


Whitethorn

by carriecmoney



Series: The Dryad Set [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Fantasy, F/M, Gen, M/M, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-13
Updated: 2015-07-13
Packaged: 2018-04-09 05:30:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4335710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carriecmoney/pseuds/carriecmoney
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>GET MY BEST FRIEND A GIRLFRIEND AND GET $10,000!<br/>Do you have a single girlfriend who’s turned on by guys who have hard, crunchy exteriors, but soft, cushy insides? Do you like to embarrass her all the time? Do you need a house payment? Well, have I got a proposition for you!<br/>Rom-com in a modern fantasy AU. Dryad!Oikawa, badger-shapeshifter!Iwaizumi, among others.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whitethorn

**Author's Note:**

> {A/N: Sup. This was inspired by [this fantastic site my radio DJ told me about](http://www.dateren.com), of all things. It's also set in the same universe as my daisuga oneshot "Crabapple", but the plot of that happens in the middle of this one instead of before/after (there are no spoilers to this plot in that one, though, because I thought of this three days ago!). I'm pretty much making up this world as I go, so if by the end of this it feels more filled-out then at the beginning, well. That's because it is. Characters/pairings/tags will be added as they appear.
> 
> If you need a visual aid, [this is the tag for it on my tumblr](http://carriecmoney.tumblr.com/tagged/modern-volleyball-fantasy) with illustrations and designs and whatnot (and [here's Oikawa specifically](http://carriecmoney.tumblr.com/post/124012807106)). You can also bug me there/on [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/carriecmoney) for explanations, sketches, etc.  
> EDIT: Tragically, I abandoned this fic in search of brighter pastures where I liked where the plot was going. I'm still leaving this up for some cool worldbuilding and killer humor. }

In early May, Tooru’s hawthorn dryad crown was all white blossoms, delicate things that attracted pollinators whenever he chanced a step outside. He never minded them when he was home in his tree, since the humming of bees was like the wind in his orchard complex in the spring. Freeloaders who hid in his branches, though, only to pop out hours later – those were a problem.

He was in one of his last lectures of the spring quarter, feet propped upon the back of the chair in front of him, microbiology professor droning on at the center of the amphitheater lecture hall. Technically he was taking notes, but that was with his right hand. With his left, he was texting under the desk, tongue caught in his teeth.

From: Asshole  
Hey bb <3 bored yet?  
Fri, May 7, 11:39 am

From: Iwachan  
Arent you supposed to be in class  
Fri, May 7, 11:40 am

From: Asshole  
I am!! Ur the naughty one texting @ work ;)  
Fri, May 7, 11:40 am

From: Iwachan  
Fuck off  
Fri, May 7, 11:41 am

From: Asshole  
That bored?  
Fri, May 7, 11:41 am

From: Iwachan  
I am not above eating your firstborn  
Fri, May 7, 11:42 am

From: Asshole  
:O Rude!  
Fri, May 7, 11:42 am

From: Asshole  
U should come home this wknd its been ages since we hung  
Fri, May 7, 11:43 am

From: Iwachan  
Its been four days  
Fri, May 7, 11:43 am

From: Asshole  
:(((((((((  
Fri, May 7, 11:44 am

From: Iwachan  
But its not like ive got better shit to do  
Fri, May 7, 11:44 am

From: Asshole  
:DDDDDDDDD  
Fri, May 7, 11:44 am

From: Iwachan  
One day i’ll need to make new friends here so I can finally dump your ass  
Fri, May 7, 11:45 am

From: Asshole  
Lol as if u make friends like an ogre makes pastry <3  
Fri, May 7, 11:46 am

From: Asshole  
U just need to get laid <<33 I can help w that ^3^  
Fri, May 7, 11:47 am

From: Iwachan  
No  
Fri, May 7, 11:47 am

From: Iwachan  
Remember the wolverine and restrain yourself  
Fri, May 7, 11:48 am

From: Asshole  
O yeah i still have scratches on my trunk :((((  
Fri, May 7, 11:49 am

Tooru glanced up and froze – one of his bees was crawling on a maenad’s shoulder a desk in front and to the left of him. Damn. He thought he had shaken them all out that morning.

He dropped his phone in his lap and stuck his pencil in his crown for his branches to hold. She hadn’t noticed the bee’s insect feet through her dress yet, but the bee was headed for her neck. Tooru chewed on his tongue and he leant forward, feet coming off the chair back to plant on the ground, hands ready.

He slapped his cupped hands over his bee. The maenad yelped; heads turned to the noise that interrupted the professor mid-sentence. Tooru beamed at his new audience, holding up his buzzing hand-cage.

“Sorry! There was a bee!” He winked at the maenad, who was glaring green fire at him. The professor rolled their eyes and kept pushing on through the beauties of E. coli. Tooru grinned an apology at the maenad, who _hmph_ ed and flipped her hair at him. He waited until everyone was focused on the lecture again, then reclined back in his hard chair, holding his cupped hands to his mouth.

“That was silly of you, honey,” he murmured. She couldn’t actually understand him, but his bees responded well to his tone of voice. She had already stopped banging around and settled onto his palm, wings fluttering against his fingers. “Now stay up there until we get home, okay?” He reached up into his crown and opened his hands, waiting until she hid in a cluster of flowers before going back to his notes-and-texting. He copied what had appeared on the board in his distraction as he woke his phone back up to three texts.

From: Iwachan  
Serves you right  
Fri, May 7, 11:51 am

From: Iwachan  
I came in early today so i’ll take the 5:30 zip down  
Fri, May 7, 11:54 am

From: Iwachan  
That work for you?  
Fri, May 7, 11:55 am

From: Asshole  
Of course! Cant wait honeyb <3  
Fri, May 7, 11:56 am

From: Iwachan  
I will dig up your roots and throw them into the ocean  
Fri, May 7, 11:57 am

From: Asshole  
No u wont ^^ nice try tho  
Fri, May 7, 11:57 am

From: Iwachan  
Fuck off and let me do my job  
Fri, May 7, 11:58 am

* * *

Hajime’s new job was three hours away by car, but only an hour on the ziptrain. Tooru was waiting at the station at six thirty, sitting on the back of a bench, feet on the seat, checking his crown in the reflective metal runner between the ceiling and platform doors. He had a photoshoot tomorrow, and his agent would chainsaw his ass if his flowers weren’t all five-petaled and perfect. He knew a lot of dryads who couldn’t care less about the shape of their crowns as long as they didn’t have beetles or rot, but they didn’t get paid out the nose because of them, either. He ran his hands over his bark, feeling for flakes, ignoring the stares of passersby as he preened in public.

“Will you _ever_ stop it with the vanity?” a harsh voice yelled from the platform gate. Tooru dropped his hands and beamed at the approaching Hajime.

“But how would you recognize me without it?” He hopped down, long legs unfolding in easy grace as Hajime stopped a few feet away, duffel bag strap across his chest, an unimpressed eyebrow raised. Tooru beamed. “Good trip?”

He shrugged. “Decent enough.” They fell into step as they left the station. “Almost fell asleep, though. I forgot to wear my badger-pants this morning so I kept having to slap myself awake.” Tooru chortled, hand to his mouth as it stuck in his throat. “Shut up,” Hajime growled. Tooru laughed harder, slapping him on the back.

“Don’t worry, where we’re going you won’t need badger-pants.” Hajime’s lip curled. Tooru stuck his tongue out at him. “ _Home_ , stupid. Unlike you, I _worked_ all day.”

Hajime huffed as they got on the escalator down into the bowels of the city’s subway system. “No night out trying to get me laid, huh?”

Tooru shrugged, perching on the moving railing, using his asymmetrical crown as a counterbalance. “If you want, I guess. I’ve got a shoot in the morning and a clinical exam on Tuesday, but I don’t mind going out if you really feel like it. Your call.”

Hajime smiled, a little one that managed to soften all the dark lines in his face. “I don’t mind staying in.” Tooru beamed back, the uneasy buzzing that had been brewing in his head all week settling down in that quick flash.

“Sure thing, honey bee.” The smile fell, and Tooru jumped the last few steps down the escalator to evade his grasp, laughing as he was chased into the subway.

* * *

Like most mornings, Tooru woke with the sun, his tree stretching with him in the early light. His orchard complex was all on about the same schedule, since dryads were cursed with a naturally regular circadian rhythm. Hajime, however, was not a dryad, but a shifter, so he got to stay curled up on Tooru’s couch in his badger form, snoring, while Tooru had breakfast and got ready for a long day of shooting in the sun. He wrote a note to Hajime and stuck it on a thorn above his pillow-burrow, telling him he should be home midafternoon and to bother his apple neighbor if he needed anything. Hajime knew the drill by now.

Tooru’s agent was waiting for him in his orchard’s parking lot in the agency’s ugly van, the windows down and his sunglasses on, halfway through his second coffee. Tooru beamed and threw the back door open with a _bang_ just to watch him jump. “Morning!” he chirped, ruffling his agent’s hair as he crawled into the backseat, flopping down on the folded-down seats and grinning in the rearview mirror around the rim of his travel mug. His agent growled and shoved him away.

“Dryads,” he grumbled, gulping his coffee before dropping it in the cupholder and yanking the van into gear. “Always gotta be morning people.”

Tooru chattered as they drove to the shoot that was going down in a field in the middle of nowhere half an hour out of town. He updated his agent on his classes, the latest med school drama, his tree’s growth, and Hajime’s lackluster life for the past few months in his new bank job a city away. His agent grunted in response, draining his coffee as they wove through the suburban outskirts into the countryside, houses giving way to farms and forests. Tooru sipped the tea he made from his own tree’s berries and leaves and ignored the pull of cousin hawthorns as they passed, their slow sapbeats a distant bassline, flickers as the van swept in and out of range. He wasn’t one of those dryads that flocked to nature; he preferred the well-kept hedges and neat lines of his orchard complex to the wild overgrowth of most of the world. He scowled up at his crown, shoots and blooms wavering in the open windows’ light breeze. He had a job to do, and if they broke his careful training to chase after the whispers of wild bushes, he’d be miffed.

“Is your friend really that desperate for a girlfriend?” his agent asked, the coffee finally kicking in. “Isn’t that what the Lynx is for?”

Tooru sighed and rolled on his back, heavy head hanging off the edge of the seat, thermos propped on his chest. “Hajime is a blockhead and even if he _did_ suck it up enough to try a site, he’d fall flat on his stupid face.” He blinked at the roof. “We’d have to take some _drastic_ measures…”

“Tooru. Whatever it is you’re thinking right now, I’m gonna need you to stop thinking it for the sake of everyone’s dignity.”

Tooru ignored him, smiling up at the carpeted ceiling, a glint in his eye. “How much is this shoot paying me, Maki?”

“Two thousand, before my cut. Don’t tell me you’re going to _buy_ him friends.”

Tooru chewed on his lip, watching his plan fall into place in his head. “No. Something better.”

* * *

**GET MY BEST FRIEND A GIRLFRIEND AND GET $10,000!**

Do you have a single girlfriend who’s turned on by guys who have hard, crunchy exteriors, but soft, cushy insides? Do you like to embarrass her all the time? Do you need a house payment? Well, have I got a proposition for you!

 **Here’s the story**

Ever since my best friend Hajime moved to Willaten, his life (without me) became a sad sack of frozen dinners and nights alone. I can’t drag him out anymore, so I need a local to take him in hand ;) He’s not a crazy eat-your-soul monster, he just needs a little push.

 **Here’s the deal**

You send me a cute single lady in the area. If our two idiots are still an item come Yule, I’ll pay you $10,000. He’s not desperate, but I am. (No, you can’t just put _yourself_ forward – that’s cheating!) If nothing else, we’ll get them out of their apartments for a few hours!

 **Here’s the man**

  * 27 years old
  * 5'11", 165 lbs
  * Degree in accounting or something equally awful
  * Gemini
  * No earthly attachments, like a kid or a dog (since he’s his own pet ;9)



**Here’s the type**

  * Outgoing enough to drag him around by the ear
  * Kind to animals
  * Two arms and two legs (up for debate)
  * At least 90% alive



**Here’s the contact**

Just send your friend’s name, picture, contact information, and general description through the form below, and we’ll be in touch!

* * *

From: Iwachan  
WHAT DID YOU DO  
Wed, May 12, 8:21 am

From: Asshole  
Morning honeyb! :)))  
Wed, May 12, 8:23 am

From: Iwachan  
I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS YOU UNBEARABLE OVERGROWN PRICKERBUSH  
Wed, May 12, 8:24 am

From: Asshole  
:O U take that back!!  
Wed, May 12, 8:25 am

From: Iwachan  
DO YOU EVEN HAVE $10K??? WHY  
Wed, May 12, 8:26 am

From: Iwachan  
YOU SENT THIS TO EVERYONE WE KNOW DIDN”T YOU  
Wed, May 12, 8:26 am

From: Asshole  
False! I didnt send it to ur mom :9  
Wed, May 12, 8:27 am

From: Iwachan  
WHEN I GET OUT OF THIS CESSPOOL I AM ZIPPING OVER TO HANG YOU FROM YOUR OWN TREE  
Wed, May 12, 8:26 am

From: Iwachan  
YOU USED MY WORK EDDRESS???  
Wed, May 12, 8:28 am

From: Asshole  
Oh uve got takers! You dog you  
Wed, May 12, 8:31 am

From: Iwachan  
I”M NOT A FUCKING DOG BITCH  
Wed, May 12, 8:32 am

From: Iwachan  
DELETE THIS  
Wed, May 12, 8:33 am

From: Asshole  
No way this is the most fun ive had with u in years  
Wed, May 12, 8:33 am

From: Iwachan  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH  
Wed, May 12, 8:34 am

From: Iwachan  
NOW I”M GONNA BE THAT GUY WHO BOUGHT A GF ONLYNX FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE  
Wed, May 12, 8:35 am

From: Asshole  
Thatll just mean that it worked! ;9  
Wed, May 12, 8:37 am

From: Iwachan  
I AM BUYING A CHAINSAW ON MY LUNCH BREAK  
Wed, May 12, 8:38 am

From: Asshole  
Take a chill pill honeyb, its not armageddon  
Wed, May 12, 8:39 am

From: Iwachan  
IT WILL BE FOR YOU WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU  
Wed, May 12, 8:41 am

From: Asshole  
;9 uuuuu luuuuvvvvv meeeeee  
Wed, May 12, 8:42 am

From: Iwachan  
NOT ANYMORE  
Wed, May 12, 8:43 am

From: Asshole  
Do u need a timeout honeyb????  
Wed, May 12, 8:44 am

From: Iwachan  
YOU NEED TO BE REMOVED FROM THIS PLANET  
Wed, May 12, 8:46 am

From: Asshole  
When u find another one with trees sign me up  
Wed, May 12, 8:47 am

From: Asshole  
Hey this djinn is cute  
Wed, May 12, 8:49 am

From: Iwachan  
ARE YOU READING MY WORK EMAIL??  
Wed, May 12, 8:50 am

From: Asshole  
Ice that flame honeyb, the site sends to my eddress too :9  
Wed, May 12, 8:51 am

From: Asshole  
Ur not gonna ignore all these nice ladies are u?  
Wed, May 12, 8:53 am

From: Iwachan  
OF COURSE I FUCKING AM  
Wed, May 12, 8:53 am

From: Asshole  
Rude! At least do coffee! Golly holly  
Wed, May 12, 8:54 am

From: Asshole  
If u dont i will and say im u  
Wed, May 12, 8:56 am

From: Iwachan  
FUCKING NO I DON”T NEED YOU FUCKING W MY REP ANYMORE  
Wed, May 12, 8:56 am

From: Iwachan  
Fine. Whatever. Coffee w the genie. Fine  
Wed, May 12, 8:59 am

From: Asshole  
Dont call her a genie bro thats rude  
Wed, May 12, 9:00 am

From: Iwachan  
Fine  
Wed, May 12, 9:00 am

From: Asshole  
Shes free fri morning!! <3  
Wed, May 12, 9:27 am

From: Iwachan  
FINE  
Wed, May 12, 9:29 am

* * *

“You know, I’m _very_ glad I’m not your best friend.”

Tooru blinked up from unlocking his mailbox at the apple dryad leaning against the support of the pavilion covering the mailbox cluster. Tooru beamed at him. “Suga! Long time no see!”

Suga laughed, walking up to unlock his own mailbox, right under Tooru’s. “It’s been _maybe_ a week, jerk.”

Tooru flicked one of Suga’s leaves. “That’s _way_ too long without you getting to see my gorgeous face!” Suga chuckled, shaking his head, flowers and leaves fluttering. Several petals picked off and wafted to the ground; Tooru winced. Suga didn’t notice, sliding his junk and bills out of his mailbox.

“It’s been too long because when I leave you unsupervised you pull stupid stunts,” Suga said, slamming his box closed. “What did poor Hajime do to you _this_ time?”

Tooru grinned, mirroring Suga’s closing motions with his shoulder. “He just needed a reminder that he’s completely helpless without me in his life.” Suga chuckled, that low rumble like chowder in Tooru’s stomach. “You don’t have any cute friends in Willaten to knock his way, do you?” Tooru asked as they fell in step back to their neighboring trees. Suga’s branches reached for the light when they stepped out of the shade of the pavilion; Tooru’s stayed where they were, a tug on the mental lockdown he had on them.

Suga hummed on his question. “No one I can think of right now.” He raised an eyebrow at Tooru. “So you’re serious about that, then?”

“It physically _hurts_ me to see how boring Hajime is without me,” Tooru moaned. “He’s gone _catatonic_.” Suga laughed, the sunlight sparkling in his grey hair. “I just need some assistance making him exciting again.”

Suga tilted his head from side to side, eyes flickering around their orchard complex of young transplanted trees from around the country and the genus. “Are you ready for what happens when he finds someone nice?” he asked, hugging his mail to his stomach. Tooru frowned.

“What’s that gotta mean?”

Suga shrugged, looking away to the wild grass between the trees. “Let’s just say that it’s not exactly what you think, when your best friend gets a girlfriend.”

Tooru huffed. “He’s had girlfriends before – and so have I! What’s that mean, ciderhead?”

Suga shrugged again. “Maybe it’s different with y’all.” He tucked some hair behind his ear. “Just watch out for yourself, okay?”

“Me?” He laughed it off, elbowing Suga’s shoulder. “If I were _you_ I’d worry more about Hajime missing my tree and digging up _your_ roots after his next bad date!”

Suga punched his arm with a gasp. “Don’t even joke about that!” Tooru laughed, flashing his grin at him. “Jerk,” Suga said through his scrunched-up face.

“And don’t I know it!” An ash dryad poked her head out of her windowframe as they passed to wave at them. They waved back, Tooru sending a wink up at her. She giggled, propping her chin in her hands as she watched them go. Suga didn’t seem to notice or care after the greeting, petting a bee that had perched on his shoulder. Tooru sighed, beam falling to his usual easy smile. “Honestly, I don’t care too much if he gets a _girl_ friend,” he admitted, “As long as he gets a few friends to drag him out of his sett when I can’t.”

Suga scratched the base of one of his branches. “Well, I _do_ have a _few_ people over that way.” He chuckled. “No one I’d take home to your parents, but definitely fun to have around for a good time.”

Tooru cuffed his shoulder with the side of his fist. “I knew I could count on you!” Suga grinned as they got to their row in the orchard. “Send them my way for me, will ya?”

“Sure thing, hawhead.” Tooru thumbed his nose at him, and Suga laughed as he tossed his mail up into his flat through the trapdoor before climbing up the ladder and disappearing.

Tooru’s smile lasted until he got into his own flat, which was built staggered in a rough circle around the trunk, the warm western sunlight filtering in through his thin membrane windows. He took a deep breath in, closing his eyes and falling back against the trunk, cool tree-calm washing over him. He _loved_ his tree.

Suga was wrong, of course. Nothing would change if or when Hajime got his ten thousand dollar girlfriend. True, none of those previous relationships had lasted longer than a couple of months, and Tooru himself was _far_ too young and pretty to be tied down like that, but that didn’t mean anything. He’d be _fine_. Why wouldn’t he?

* * *

From: Iwachan  
That was awful. Thanks for that  
Fri, May 14, 11:41 am

From: Asshole  
:((((( Djinn was no dgood?  
Fri, May 14, 11:43 am

From: Iwachan  
Fuck Off  
Fri, May 14, 11:45 am

From: Iwachan  
She just wanted to bitch about her shitty ex-bf and her current master  
Fri, May 14, 11:46 am

From: Iwachan  
Her master set her up for this so I can’t blame her too much but Stop  
Fri, May 14, 11:46 am

From: Asshole  
Was she cute tho  
Fri, May 14, 11:48 am

From: Iwachan  
Hardly relevant  
Fri, May 14, 11:49 am

From: Iwachan  
You do realize that literal decades of being exposed to your obnoxious ass has broken me of caring about beautiful people  
Fri, May 14, 11:51 am

From: Iwachan  
I hate you fyi  
Fri, May 14, 11:52 am

From: Asshole  
U think im beautiful?? Awww honeyb <333  
Fri, May 14, 11:53 am

From: Iwachan  
Im not enabling this  
Fri, May 14, 11:54 am

From: Iwachan  
I can’t believe you convinced me to do that  
Fri, May 14, 11:54 am

From: Asshole  
What about the weasel lady???  
Fri, May 14, 11:55 am

From: Iwachan  
I hate weasels  
Fri, May 14, 11:56 am

From: Iwachan  
I can’t believe I wasted a lunch break on that  
Fri, May 14, 11:58 am

From: Asshole  
Gussy up grumpy it was just coffee  
Fri, May 14, 11:59 am

From: Asshole  
U shouldve told me u hate weasels earlier……  
Fri, May 14, 12:01 pm

From: Iwachan  
You didn’t.  
Fri, May 14, 12:03 pm

From: Asshole  
U like elvish food right  
Fri, May 14, 12:04 pm

From: Iwachan  
YOU DID NOT  
Fri, May 14, 12:04 pm

From: Asshole  
Hows Sunday brunch sound? :9  
Fri, May 14, 12:05 pm

From: Iwachan  
I HATE THIS  
Fri, May 14, 12:07 pm

From: Asshole  
Ill buy u a stack of quail eggs if u do it  
Fri, May 14, 12:08 pm

From: Iwachan  
…………………….and poach them?  
Fri, May 14, 12:09 pm

From: Asshole  
Ofc honeyb <3  
Fri, May 14, 12:09 pm

From: Iwachan  
I hate you  
Fri, May 14, 12:10 pm

From: Asshole  
:DDDDDDDDDDDD  
Fri, May 14, 12:12 pm

* * *

Tooru always sat in the back of the classroom. It was only polite, like taking off your hat in a theater or muffling your fae glow at night for the neighbors. Most dryads just rearranged their crown to allow for an uninterrupted sight line from behind, but Tooru hadn’t had that luxury since his first modeling agent in high school yelled at him when his crown’s silhouette changed in the middle of a multiday shoot. Now, he kept it in as constant condition as possible, only changing with the seasons. It had been a struggle to learn how to control the natural expression of his emotional state, but his increased popularity and paycheck had been worth it. He hadn’t had any student debt since undergrad.

He wasn’t the only being who had to take extra courtesy around others in the classroom. Horns, antlers, and vegetation got preferred back row seating in any environment; conversely, the front row was reserved for brownies, dwarves, and sprites. Tooru was fine with this arrangement, since it meant he could stretch out and focus without worrying who was watching.

Of course, there were a few creatures who sat in the back because they freaked everyone else the fuck out.

Two minutes before lecture started, like clockwork, the chatter of the room dipped in volume, the muffled bubble following one guy as he walked up the steps along the wall to the top back row. He didn’t _look_ terrifying, like a minotaur or an ogre, but anyone in his range could feel that something was _off_. His back was too straight; his hair didn’t move quite right in the breeze; his eyes glinted like metal in the sunlight. He took his seat in an empty desk two to Tooru’s right, scaring away the nymphs in the row before him to slide down to Tooru’s left, giggling as they passed him. Tooru flipped his hair from his eyes, a petal fluttering over to kiss a nymph’s cheek, and grinned at the newcomer.

“Yo, Ushijima, scared any puppies today?” Ushijima shot him one hard golden eye.

“I wouldn’t know.” He nodded at Tooru. “Oikawa.” Tooru sprawled on the desk between them, twisting his fingers together and catching his tongue in his teeth, waggling his eyebrows. Ushijima’s expressions narrowed a hair. “How does someone as intelligent as you present such a useless front?”

Tooru winked. “It’s called _charm_ , you should go dig in the woods and find some.”

Ushijima shook his head, opening his bytebook and typing in his password. “Charm is an unnecessary human invention.”

Tooru twirled a piece of hair around his finger, tapping his toes on a nymph’s shoulder, her incessant giggling trilling into something almost melodic. “Charm is _hardly_ unnecessary – how else would you get people to do stuff for you?” He winked over his shoulder at the eavesdropping nymph clump, who gasped and chittered as one. He slid his eyes back over to Ushijima. “’Sides, you’re probably _way_ more human than me.”

Ushijima huffed, a guttural scoff. “Hardly.” Tooru pushed forward, swirling his tongue around the tip of a tooth. Ushijima froze, turning his head to fix both gold eyes on Tooru. “You _are_ clever.”

“Why, thank you.” He chewed on a thumbnail. “You gonna tell me what you really are yet?”

“No.” Tooru pouted, eyes watering as he refused to blink first. Ushijima’s face twitched. “Will you consider thaumaciatry for your residency?”

Tooru groaned, rolling his eyes and his head. “Still beating that dead horse, huh?”

“You would be wasted on anything else.” Tooru frowned, nose wrinkling. He opened his mouth to respond, but before he could, the professor walked in, followed by his usual flock of bluebirds that fluttered about the lecture hall, settling on favorite students’ heads and shoulders. One perched in Tooru’s crown, peeping; the nymphs sighed as a collective when he offered it some sunflower seeds from his pocket. Three of the birds went to Ushijima, curling into his clothes like chicks against a mother hen. The barest hint of a smile tinged on his immaculate face. Tooru’s eyes narrowed, but no one else was watching his back corner (most people avoided looking at Ushijima like he had the evil eye). The professor leaped into his lecture, his flute-voice whistling about brain chemistry. Tooru spun his pencil around his thumb and pushed away the Ushijima mystery for another day.

* * *

From: Saeko Tanaka  
Subject: PLEASE DATE MY NIECE  
Sent: May 25, 19:23:09

Hey!

I have an adorable niece who needs a nice man and our mutual friend Suga vouched that you weren’t going to eat her soul. Her name is Yui and she’s a superhot elf with a killer personality and a bangin body and shitty luck with dudes. And if you end up breaking her heart I’ll kick your ass to the underworld and back!! (Also I wanna buy a motorcycle)

We got ourselves a deal?

Saeko T

* * *

From: Asshole  
Do u got any plans this weekend honeyb? <3  
Thu, May 27, 1:30 pm

From: Iwachan  
No more dates.  
Thu, May 27, 1:31 pm

From: Iwachan  
I’m boycotting dating  
Thu, May 27, 1:31 pm

From: Asshole  
:((((((( one more!!  
Thu, May 27, 1:31 pm

From: Asshole  
Besides a few of them have been fun yeah??  
Thu, May 27, 1:32 pm

From: Iwachan  
Shut up. No. Absolutely not  
Thu, May 27, 1:33 pm

From: Iwachan  
………..If I have to do this so do you  
Thu, May 27, 1:35 pm

From: Asshole  
!!!!!!!!! IS THAT AN INVITATION!!  
Thu, May 27, 1:36 pm

From: Iwachan  
It’s a fuckin ultimatum bitch  
Thu, May 27, 1:37 pm

From: Iwachan  
And after this I quit. I can’t do this anymore  
Thu, May 27, 1:38 pm

From: Asshole  
:DDD whatever u say bb <3  
Thu, May 27, 1:40 pm

From: Asshole  
Coffee sat? Ill take the zip in the morning  
Thu, May 27, 1:41 pm

From: Iwachan  
Fine. Whatever. See you then  
Thu, May 27, 1:42 pm

From: Asshole  
Sooooooo ready for this!!!  
Thu, May 27, 1:43 pm

From: Iwachan  
Calm your shoots bro  
Thu, May 27, 1:44 pm

* * *

Like any dryad, Tooru despised being separated from his tree. It was more than home; it was his other half, his legs, his heart. He might be able to walk, talk, and think like a human, but his veins ran with tree sap and chlorophyll glowed green in his skin. It was easier to venture outside your nature in today’s society, but there were biological limitations that science couldn’t – and wouldn’t – fix.

As he zipped through the parallel world the ziptrain ran in to avoid taking up actual livable space, his tree’s presence beat weaker and weaker in his chest until it was almost invisible and all he was left with was a headache. He popped two ibuprofen between sips from his homemade tea, slumping down in his seat and propping his feet on the seat across from him, long legs barely reaching. He had to let out his grouchy now so he could be normal when it mattered later.

When he hopped out of the ziptrain’s dimension onto the Willaten platform, Hajime was waiting for him, dressed in his usual all black and sunglasses pushed up on his scruffy bedhead. Tooru sighed, shoulders relaxing, as Hajime smiled and raised a hand from across the outpouring crowd. The ache of leaving his tree two hundred miles away eased a fraction. He gave a big wave, hopping on his toes.

“Hey there, loverboy!” he called over everyone’s heads, making a few turn his way. Hajime rolled his eyes as Tooru wove through them to sling an arm around his neck, their hips banging together. “Ready to woo the pretty elven maiden?”

“Piss off.” Hajime gave his waist a quick squeeze before shoving him away. “Can’t believe I missed your shit face.”

Tooru laughed, elbowing Hajime’s arm. “Of course you missed me, I’m too gorgeous to forget!” Hajime scowled through his smile and turned away to the street exit, Tooru following. “Where’re we going, Iwachan?” he chimed, skipping ahead to walk backwards in front of Hajime.

“Walk like a normal person before you hurt yourself,” Hajime snapped, shoving Tooru’s shoulder. Tooru sneered at him, but flipped to walk forward, ducking his head as they went through the door into the sunlight. “S’not far,” Hajime mumbled, slapping his sunglasses down as Tooru crossed his eyes up at his crown as it tried to shade his eyes – _no_. “I figured you’d wanna get back soon after; I know how you get when you’re away from your bush.”

Tooru blinked at his turned-away face. “Why, honey bee, you’re so thoughtful! Why have you never told me?” Hajime growled, hair standing on end. Tooru ruffled it down, coarse bristles between his fingers. “But I don’t mind sticking around some if you need a shoulder to cry on after you strike out!”

Hajime rabbit-punched him in the side until Tooru let go of his head. “Lanky-ass garden hedge,” he grumbled.

They kept up the banter on their walk through Willaten. It was a bigger city than their hometown, the office buildings taller and more plentiful, the sidewalks bursting with multispecial life. Tooru would probably enjoy being here more if his head didn’t hurt so much.

Hajime led him to a hole-in-the-wall coffeeshop with a high door, soft couches, and a hawberry tea blend on the menu. Tooru narrowed his eyes at Hajime, who avoided his eyes as he ordered his coffee. Tooru ducked his head on a smile and got ginger tea in his now-empty travel mug, paying for both of them without a fight.

They claimed two squashy armchairs by the window, Tooru folding his long legs up against his chest, propping his thermos on his knee. Hajime sprawled across his own chair, mug on his stomach as he frowned around the coffeeshop. “You know what she looks like, right?”

Tooru shrugged. “I know she’s cute and an elf, and her aunt is with her so look for an old lady, I guess. And they know what _you_ look like, of course,” he said with a waggle and a wink. Hajime grunted at his feet.

“Still hate that stupid picture,” he mumbled around the lip of his mug between sips. Tooru propped his chin on his tea-less knee, resting his temple on the warm metal.

“Why, because I managed to catch the one time a year when you’re happy and you show it?” Tooru clicked on his tongue. “Well, I guess it _is_ an inaccurate representation of your personality-”

“Chainsaws and axes,” Hajime snarled, glaring fire. Tooru stuck his tongue out at him.

“You don’t _mean_ that, you butt.” Hajime grunted, scowling at his knees. Tooru settled back into his last word, smile curved around porcelain.

They drank in communal silence, the chatters and bangs of the coffeeshop filling the holes. Tooru closed his eyes, his headache pounding away. Maybe some of that hawberry tea wouldn’t be a bad idea, even if it couldn’t be as good as the blend he made himself.

Two women burst in the café doors, the blonde one in black leather dragging the brunette by the wrist as they argued – about what, they were too far away to tell. Tooru cracked an eye as the blonde one jerked around, tips of her long ears breaching the fall of her hair as it swung around. She made eye contact with him – she grimaced, sharp teeth showing. His lip curled, shoulders tensing. He _hated_ vampires.

Hajime followed his eyes to the new two. The not-vampire saw him, face already pink, and waved, a curl of fingers into a fist. Must be Yui. Hajime scrambled out of his sunken seat and stood to meet them as the vampire dragged her closer, ignoring Tooru with an iceberg shoulder.

“Yui?” Hajime asked, trying to smile. “Hi. I’m Hajime, and I’m sorry about this.”

Yui the not-vampire blinked, then laughed, flush fading. “Oh, don’t apologize! It’s not _your_ fault!” Tooru frowned, the vampire’s proximity throwing off what was left of his groove. Yui yanked her arm out of the vampire’s grip. “It’s _hers_ , and whoever your friend is.”

Hajime jerked a thumb at Tooru. “He’s that asshole.” Tooru waved from his chair, eyes still hard over his winner smile. Yui glanced up at his crown, then at her vampire… aunt? She frowned and slapped the vampire’s arm.

“Stop that! You got us into this mess!” She rolled her eyes at Hajime. “Can’t bring her anywhere.”

Hajime chuckled; Tooru’s eyes narrowed. “I understand completely.” She shoved the vampire towards Tooru; they both reared back, her hissing, but she circled in, poking at Tooru’s crown with her blackout umbrella. He slapped it away, knuckles white around his mug as he restrained his thorns from puffing up.

“I’m not even shure I want your dirty money,” she growled, her abnormal teeth making her lisp. “You’ve probably poisioned it. Shuga likes _you?_ ”

“I could say the same to you,” he spat, keeping his legs curled up tight. “They let you out in _public_ like that?”

She narrowed her eyes, holding her umbrella in a fencer’s guard position. “If it washn’t for Yui I’d chop off every twig on that head.” She glared for another moment, then spun on her heel to get in line at the counter. Tooru’s chest rumbled in a low growl, but he let her go for now to focus on the not-vampire.

She _was_ adorable, with soft short black hair, big eyes, long lashes, and the tips of her elf ears bright red as her and Hajime fumbled between a handshake and a hug and settled on a fistbump with a laugh.

And Tooru hated her on sight.

**Author's Note:**

> {A/N: FYI: Hawthorn is a common wood to make vampire stakes from.}


End file.
